Top of the British BlogsGet Firefox!Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.comListed on BlogShares[Buy Opera!]
Blogwise - blog directoryBlogarama - The Blog Directory

Monday, October 10, 2005


Todays post can be viewed at:

Albion's Alchemist

All future posts will also appear ther, this Blogspot site will no longer be updated.
go to for all future alchemy. Please update your links and bookmarks as appropriate, and enjoy the new site...

Any difficutlies? Email

Friday, October 07, 2005


I was going to write about last night’s excitement in Basra – no really, it seemed like the sort of thing etc, but when it came to it I didn’t have any real insight or inspiration. Instead I hit the ‘Stumble’ button in m’Firefox browser so I’d have something to look at whilst I dreamt up a new subject for today’s post.

What should appear but a site I myself had suggested to Stumble Upon so many moons ago – there’s a coincidence.

Taking this as inspiration the Alchemist is pleased to announce a new regular feature (if he can be bothered to read this sort of crapola regularly) to be called ‘Hooray for the Differently Sane!’ since that is in toto the review I gave for the site I stumbled.

To the site. is a site apparently written by, and solely of interest to an Indian chap called Ashok T. Jaisinghani.
In numerous garishly coloured pages Mr. Jaisinghani discusses the various ways multinational companies are oppressing/killing Indians with tainted water and pharmaceuticals. He goes on to express his belief that exercise and sex can cause constipation (and he knows of what he speaks because he has read’ about 500 books and thousands of articles on different systems of medicine and allied fields over a period of about 27 years’). Indeed he promises to pay a prize of one hundred thousand Rupees (a hair under £1’300) to anyone who can prove him wrong.

He goes on to discus his own quaint ideas about nutrition – ‘ Taking any nutrient in adequate amounts does not ensure that all the benefits due to that nutrient will be obtained.’.

Now if’ee want to say I’m being difficult then go ahead, but my gut tells me that the definition of an ‘adequate amount’ is the amount required to obtain all of the benefits, and therefore if one does not obtain all the benefits, then one has not taken an adequate amount. Still the Alchemist hasn’t been trying to understand the interrelationships between various nutrients for 35 years, so he may be wrong…

The nutritional laws of this man are as baroque as they are arcane and I shan’t attempt to give you a précis here, that would be a work of days.

The real meat of Mr. Jaisinghani’s site is that part which deals with Aids. Most anything can cause Aids according to Mr. Jaisinghani, including (but not limited to) sexual abstinence, iodine, antimony, vitamin D, phosphoric acid, chromium, benzene, sex, tea (oh dear), zinc, manganese, paraffin, magnesium, castor oil and ‘the Fury of the Sun’.

In fact the danger of Aids is so great that Mr.Jaisinghani has no choice but to break in to verse (no, I don’t know either).
It goes something like this.

AIDS is not caused by sexy Laila and Lola,
AIDS is due to the phosphoric acid in cola.

Should we not ask the great Bill Gates,
Why he has agreed to be Mr. Bill AIDS?
What is the U.S. Pharma Companies' role,
In India's getting 100 million dollar dole?

Spreading AIDS with their bloody coke!
What thinks the crazy American bloke?
Does he consider every Indian a big dope?
To believe in USA's folly as his only hope!

Will Americans think my article is a big joke?
They'll be terribly sorry for any fun they poke!

But wait, for this is an anthology, further poetry explains other causes of Aids!
Throwing away their shirt and pant, or frock,
At the blazing Sun, all the great fools mock;
Their immunity gets the most mighty knock;
Advocates of long Sun baths are in the dock.
With great awe, Hindus bow to the mighty Sun;
Exposing himself, western man has a lot of fun;
Does the fellow really know what he has done?
To AIDS' total cases, he has added a new one.

Well, on behalf of all Western Men, allow the Alchemist to apologise, we knew not what we did…

The website finishes with a heartfelt ‘Dedicated also to ALL the victims of medical maltreatment.’ – these victims are presumably Mr. Jaisinghani’s own.

Hooray for the Differently Sane!

Thursday, October 06, 2005


The all new and partially improved Albion’s Alchemist site is new finished (so far as that statement can ever apply to a website). It’s awfully pretty and a little more innovative than this Blogspot original – cruise on over there an’ee wish to see for your self.

Albion's Alchemist

From Monday the tenth this Blogspot site will no longer be updated and the new site will be the Albion’s Alchemist site. Please update your bookmarks and links appropriately.

-The Alchemist


I don’t know if you have been following the German elections as closely as you ought recently, but the cricket season is closed now so there is little excuse for continued ignorance. Generous soul that she is, Fräulein Merci H has written for me several emails over the last month each one expanding upon the horror story that is the German leadership struggle.

In the elections last month Angela Merkel’s Christlich-Demokratische Union and their Bavarian allies the Christlich-Soziale Union one only three seats more than Schroeder’s Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands (I don’t know who would win if a German played a Welshman at Scrabble, but I think it would be as close to ‘extreme sport’ as board games could ever get).

This three seat lead is not near enough to form a government and neither side has been able to employ the sort of dishonourable coalition-forming small party co-opting shenanigans which ensconced Labour and the Lib-Dems in the Scottish parliament. Aye, we could learn a thing or two here.

In an attempt to settle this there have been conferences between the two parties – essentially one side says ‘Oh please, I’ll be your friend…’ and t’other says ‘Nien’.
There was floated the idea of a coalition of the two big parties forming a collation between themselves but neither side finds that very palatable and who can blame them. The SPD particularly dislike it, as they would certainly get the short end of the stick should it happen.

The CDU is laying down the law, saying that they have the majority of seats in the Bundestag (however narrow that majority is) and that they have the right to decide the next Chancellor (Merkel, our heroin). The danger is that with such a narrow majority Merkel will have to fight every issue and can hardly claim a mandate from the equivocal people. Nevertheless the issue must be decided by the eighteenth, when the new Chancellor will be elected.

Merkel’s popularity waned throughout September, but now appears to be back on the rise, largely due to the statesmanlike way she is handling this furore according to Fräulein H – who goes on to say that she finds it baffling that anyone can still support Schroeder after proving his incompetence so manifestly.

The alchemist waits with bated breath, as I’m sure do you.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Reader Fluent (look for his site in the ‘Bulldog Bloggers’ blogroll presently) has asked me about Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. In truth I was not going to bother with the man, he’s not a contender and is not what’eed call a classic kingmaker either.

Nevertheless the Alchemist gives the people what they want. y’see when I read Osborne’s speech the word which jumped out at me was ‘compassion’. A loaded word if ever there was one, and a damned useful one too. Were I a politician I would probably use it every day and twice on Sundays.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what is your stance on crime?’

I will be ruthless in pursuit of lawbreakers, but compassionate to victims and their families.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what will you do about the rising tide of illegal immigrants?’

I’m not without compassion for their plight, but that won’t stop me sending every damned one back where he came from.”

‘Mr. Alchemist, did you sleep with your secretary?’

I’ll answer these allegations when I return from compassionate leave.


One has to ask if Osborne really means what he says, and if he does, will the Tories show compassion to every bit of pond scum the police haul in, or will it be reserved for those who deserve it? If your Author knows he’s damned.

Of course you, like the Alchemist want to hear about Mr. Osborne’s economic plans, he is Shadow Chancellor, not morality Tzar (the day will come, I fear). You will recall that a few months ago he attacked Brown’s tax-and-waste-and-hoard policy and stated his fear that the current economic incline was untenable past the end of the decade.
In his speech Osborne reminisced about previous Tory triumphs in the economic sphere and hinted that he was just the man to continue this good work. Before going on to lambaste Labour’s weakness in allowing the EU to enact legislation limiting Albion’s freedom, and pointing out the stunting effect this has had on free trade in general.

Osborne does have a flavour of Cameron about him, they are young modernises with vision, but precious little in terms of map-and-compass navigation ability.

Incidentaly, I stand by what I said earlier, Sir Malcom Rifkind would make a good Chancellor.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Incidentaly, if anyone would like to know what I was doing in the dying days of September, they might look at the beta version of the new Albion's Alchemist with knobs on.

Suggestions welcome.


Those of’ee with long memories, or the ability to use a scroll bar will recall me talking about the Tory leadership a while back (Alchemy Passim) My purpose was to declare my support for Dr. Fox (wormy and racist according to you lot, alas). No doubt you will have taken careful note of news from the Tory conference. I know I have (that’s not sarcasm).

I said that the we need a leader with charisma, and I said that only Foxy seemed to have it. Now that young whipper-snapper David Cameron has stepped up to the crease is that still the case?

Well the boy certainly does have a way with words, no-doubt about it. They call him the conservative Tony Blair (I think they even mean it as a compliment!). It appears the Alchemist will have to eat his words. When I said ‘we need a leader with charisma’, I ought to have said ‘we need a leader with charisma who also stands for genuine conservative values’.

Y’see Cameron is rather well summed up by a comparison the Blair. They are both charismatic, young and they both hold the sort of views which appeal to North-London yahoos and Guardian readers. Were Cameron to win the leadership, I suspect he could win the next electio0n, but that would hardly be a victory for conservatives since he would carry out the same policies as Blair does now.

Understand, I am not against ‘modernizing’ per-see, but if the prise of victory is becoming ‘New Tory’ and being indistinguishable from New-Labour then it is too high a price to pay.

I suppose when it comes down to it, I will probably throw my insubstantial weight behind David Davis. It’s not that I have changed my mind about Foxy, merely that Divis is the lesser of those evils which have a chance of victory.



Hell and damnation!

September was the Devil's wn month for the Alchemist and no mistake. To those of you who have wasted your time checking for Alchemy updates over the last few weeks I am sorry. You will recal that I had to go away at the end of August, but upon my return I found no end of time consuming trivia to which I had to attend.

Now the fact of the matter is, this bloggin thing is a hobby to me(as indeed it is to most people who blogg) and as a hobby it is the first thing to suffer when time is at a premium. That's life.

Nevertheless I beleive I can now bring my typical half-arsed yet insightful wit and wordsmithing to the 'net an a regular basis once again. Hoorah.

To those of you who have checked for updates from time to time, not only appologies, but Alchemy points also.

Let's get this show on the road...

Saturday, August 27, 2005


Now I don’t want to cause alarm, but there are certain aspects of the Iranian nuclear programme which really could bare closer inspection.

I suspect you are alarmed now, most likely you are thinking ‘oh god he’s going to talk about Iranian nuclear ambitions and I know slightly less than zilch on the subject.’ That’s ok, I know you have enough to do just keeping up with Big Brother, that’s exactly why I am going to talk about it. That, and it actually is important.

Ali Larijani is the man to watch, he is the right hand of Khamenei and he has been badgering Albion, Germany and France recently over our views on Iranian atomic development.

Specifically we (the UK, Germany and France, acting on behalf of the EU) have expressed concerns over plans to build one or more Westinghouse type breeders, and hexafluoride centrifuges to generate enriched uranium for ‘peaceful purposes’. Larijani insists that Iran has the right to do these things, and as far as right goes, he probably is. Our quibble is the eventual use to which enriched uranium might be put.

From an unbiased perspective one can see why Iran desires nuclear weapons. Believe me every time I watch the ten o’clock news I start desiring a bomb or two m’self, it is an unsafe world and deterrents are tempting, nay necessary.

Mahmoud Ahmadinezhad – Iranian president and world-beating scrabble score insists that the only goal is energy, but he would, and as I say, we can hardly blame Iran for wanting a nuclear deterrent. However, the operative word is ‘deterrent’.

Larijani has threatened to go over the EU’s head straight to the International Atomic Energy Association, but that ain’t going to happen because the US dominates the IAEA and there’s no way on god’s green that the States will let Iran have nukes (they no-longer arm their future enemies, lesson learned, eh brother Jonathan). Alternatively, Iran may enter negotiations with South Africa, but it is difficult to see why, when there is so little to gain, and so much to loose should they snub the EU.

Besides which Larijani actually used the phrase ‘Nuclear Apartheid’ in a speech and that’s not they way to win the South African’s friendship.

The earlier threatened economic sanctions seem unlikely at this stage of the game and it is difficult to discount the internet rumour to the effect that France and Germany (Albion too, if not our leaders) actually want Iran to have a deterrent with which to deter the big friendly dog across the pond.

You’ll call me a cynic, but such a policy would work, and better than ‘diplomacy’, no?

In any event, at least you know a little about Iran now, my work here is done…

Thursday, August 25, 2005


Now I’ve not really talked about the Tory leadership contest on my own site before, but I’ve stuck my oar in when others have brought the subject up, today I thought it about time to rectify this. Not least because the alternative is complaining about the growing ease of obtaining a GCSE, you don’t want to read about that and I don’t want to write about it.

The new Leader, will be chosen in October, god willing, and even if you are not that interested in the contest, even if you are not a Tory at all (Those of you who are not, I congratulate you on being here, I know it can be difficult to read a blog written by a man who does not share one’s own ideology) you ought to learn a little. Y’see, the choosing next leader of the Conservatives is of critical importance to Albion, nay, to Europe and the world.

If the next Leader is a good man, a popular and wise statesman then people will vote for him. He will be elected, the Tories will have power, the EU will find opposition where now they find welcome, the state shall be just a little les of a nanny, and all will be right with the world. If the next Leader is a poor candidate, then Brown will be elected, the planets shall align and Satan will begin his thousand-year rule of the Earth.

Hyperbole aside, it seems obvious that Labour are the default victors of the next election, unless the Conservatives can furnish us a truly worthy candidate, hence, we must watch the contest carefully, since it is this very contest which shall ultimately decide our next Prime Minister.

Obviously, the name on everyone’s lips is David Davis, currently Shadow Home Secretary. That’s not snow on the roof, that’s cotton wool leaking from his head – in your Author’s opinion. Make no mistake, the man has ambition, and he’s a fine tactical sense, but he is not fit to govern. Not that I’d say it to his face you understand, If Davis hits a man, he don’t get back up again.

If not a Davis backer, most people will generally claim allegiance to Liam Fox, Shadow Foreign Secretary, your humble obedient among them. Our Doctor Fox has something the Tories have lacked since the good old days of the Iron Lady, charisma. It is a sad fact that elections are won by men (/women) not parties, and Fox is the man to do it. He might be a Scot, but he is a proper right-wing euroskeptic and not one to be bound by political correctness neither - you might remember many years ago there was a group of pop-tarts calling themselves the ‘Spice Girls’, or to use Fox’s nomenclature ‘three dogs and a blackbird’. Naturally this made a lot of people angry, but it made the silent majority laugh (quietly)

The third big hitter in the race is Sir Malcom Rifkind, Shadow Work & Pensions Secretary. He’s a good politician, but just a little wet for the leadership I deem. He’d probably do rather well as a chancellor though, just a hunch, you heard it here first.

Should Dr. Fox find himself the Leader this October, I can well envision him defeating Labour. He has shown a strong anti-Europe streak which will keep people from wasting their votes on UKIP (I’d vote for them if it were not a waste) Veritas and sundry other euroskeptic parties, and as a Scot he will appeal to the haggis fanciers who essentially decided the last election (nope, I haven’t forgiven yee yet jimmy). Shoulod Davis win, I fear we will be doomed to Prime Minister (President) Brown – and eventual membership of (occupation by) the United States of Europe.

This leadership competition really is that critical.
All Images hosted by unless not.