Albion's Alchemist

Redirect

2005-10-10T23:13:00.000Z

Todays post can be viewed at:

Albion's Alchemist

All future posts will also appear ther, this Blogspot site will no longer be updated.
go to http://albionsalchemist.blogsome.com/ for all future alchemy. Please update your links and bookmarks as appropriate, and enjoy the new site...

Any difficutlies? Email thealchemist@fsmail.net

Hooray

2005-10-07T18:53:00.000Z

I was going to write about last night’s excitement in Basra – no really, it seemed like the sort of thing etc, but when it came to it I didn’t have any real insight or inspiration. Instead I hit the ‘Stumble’ button in m’Firefox browser so I’d have something to look at whilst I dreamt up a new subject for today’s post.

What should appear but a site I myself had suggested to Stumble Upon so many moons ago – there’s a coincidence.

Taking this as inspiration the Alchemist is pleased to announce a new regular feature (if he can be bothered to read this sort of crapola regularly) to be called ‘Hooray for the Differently Sane!’ since that is in toto the review I gave for the site I stumbled.

To the site.

Wander-Cures.com is a site apparently written by, and solely of interest to an Indian chap called Ashok T. Jaisinghani.
In numerous garishly coloured pages Mr. Jaisinghani discusses the various ways multinational companies are oppressing/killing Indians with tainted water and pharmaceuticals. He goes on to express his belief that exercise and sex can cause constipation (and he knows of what he speaks because he has read’ about 500 books and thousands of articles on different systems of medicine and allied fields over a period of about 27 years’). Indeed he promises to pay a prize of one hundred thousand Rupees (a hair under £1’300) to anyone who can prove him wrong.

He goes on to discus his own quaint ideas about nutrition – ‘ Taking any nutrient in adequate amounts does not ensure that all the benefits due to that nutrient will be obtained.’.

Now if’ee want to say I’m being difficult then go ahead, but my gut tells me that the definition of an ‘adequate amount’ is the amount required to obtain all of the benefits, and therefore if one does not obtain all the benefits, then one has not taken an adequate amount. Still the Alchemist hasn’t been trying to understand the interrelationships between various nutrients for 35 years, so he may be wrong…

The nutritional laws of this man are as baroque as they are arcane and I shan’t attempt to give you a précis here, that would be a work of days.

The real meat of Mr. Jaisinghani’s site is that part which deals with Aids. Most anything can cause Aids according to Mr. Jaisinghani, including (but not limited to) sexual abstinence, iodine, antimony, vitamin D, phosphoric acid, chromium, benzene, sex, tea (oh dear), zinc, manganese, paraffin, magnesium, castor oil and ‘the Fury of the Sun’.

In fact the danger of Aids is so great that Mr.Jaisinghani has no choice but to break in to verse (no, I don’t know either).
It goes something like this.

AIDS is not caused by sexy Laila and Lola,
AIDS is due to the phosphoric acid in cola.

Should we not ask the great Bill Gates,
Why he has agreed to be Mr. Bill AIDS?
What is the U.S. Pharma Companies' role,
In India's getting 100 million dollar dole?

Spreading AIDS with their bloody coke!
What thinks the crazy American bloke?
Does he consider every Indian a big dope?
To believe in USA's folly as his only hope!

Will Americans think my article is a big joke?
They'll be terribly sorry for any fun they poke!

But wait, for this is an anthology, further poetry explains other causes of Aids!
Throwing away their shirt and pant, or frock,
At the blazing Sun, all the great fools mock;
Their immunity gets the most mighty knock;
Advocates of long Sun baths are in the dock.
With great awe, Hindus bow to the mighty Sun;
Exposing himself, western man has a lot of fun;
Does the fellow really know what he has done?
To AIDS' total cases, he has added a new one.
Well, on behalf of all Western Men, allow the Alchemist to apologise, we knew not what we did…

The website finishes with a heartfelt ‘Dedicated also to ALL the victims of medical maltreatment.’ – these victims are presumably Mr. Jaisinghani’s own.

Hooray for the Differently Sane!

New

2005-10-06T13:27:00.000Z

The all new and partially improved Albion’s Alchemist site is new finished (so far as that statement can ever apply to a website). It’s awfully pretty and a little more innovative than this Blogspot original – cruise on over there an’ee wish to see for your self.

Albion's Alchemist

From Monday the tenth this Blogspot site will no longer be updated and the new site will be the Albion’s Alchemist site. Please update your bookmarks and links appropriately.

-The Alchemist

Merkel

2005-10-06T12:27:00.000Z

I don’t know if you have been following the German elections as closely as you ought recently, but the cricket season is closed now so there is little excuse for continued ignorance. Generous soul that she is, Fräulein Merci H has written for me several emails over the last month each one expanding upon the horror story that is the German leadership struggle.

In the elections last month Angela Merkel’s Christlich-Demokratische Union and their Bavarian allies the Christlich-Soziale Union one only three seats more than Schroeder’s Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands (I don’t know who would win if a German played a Welshman at Scrabble, but I think it would be as close to ‘extreme sport’ as board games could ever get).

This three seat lead is not near enough to form a government and neither side has been able to employ the sort of dishonourable coalition-forming small party co-opting shenanigans which ensconced Labour and the Lib-Dems in the Scottish parliament. Aye, we could learn a thing or two here.

In an attempt to settle this there have been conferences between the two parties – essentially one side says ‘Oh please, I’ll be your friend…’ and t’other says ‘Nien’.
There was floated the idea of a coalition of the two big parties forming a collation between themselves but neither side finds that very palatable and who can blame them. The SPD particularly dislike it, as they would certainly get the short end of the stick should it happen.

The CDU is laying down the law, saying that they have the majority of seats in the Bundestag (however narrow that majority is) and that they have the right to decide the next Chancellor (Merkel, our heroin). The danger is that with such a narrow majority Merkel will have to fight every issue and can hardly claim a mandate from the equivocal people. Nevertheless the issue must be decided by the eighteenth, when the new Chancellor will be elected.

Merkel’s popularity waned throughout September, but now appears to be back on the rise, largely due to the statesmanlike way she is handling this furore according to Fräulein H – who goes on to say that she finds it baffling that anyone can still support Schroeder after proving his incompetence so manifestly.

The alchemist waits with bated breath, as I’m sure do you.

Tory

2005-10-05T13:05:00.000Z

Reader Fluent (look for his site in the ‘Bulldog Bloggers’ blogroll presently) has asked me about Shadow Chancellor George Osborne. In truth I was not going to bother with the man, he’s not a contender and is not what’eed call a classic kingmaker either.

Nevertheless the Alchemist gives the people what they want. y’see when I read Osborne’s speech the word which jumped out at me was ‘compassion’. A loaded word if ever there was one, and a damned useful one too. Were I a politician I would probably use it every day and twice on Sundays.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what is your stance on crime?’

I will be ruthless in pursuit of lawbreakers, but compassionate to victims and their families.

‘Mr. Alchemist, what will you do about the rising tide of illegal immigrants?’

I’m not without compassion for their plight, but that won’t stop me sending every damned one back where he came from.”

‘Mr. Alchemist, did you sleep with your secretary?’

I’ll answer these allegations when I return from compassionate leave.

Etc…

One has to ask if Osborne really means what he says, and if he does, will the Tories show compassion to every bit of pond scum the police haul in, or will it be reserved for those who deserve it? If your Author knows he’s damned.

Of course you, like the Alchemist want to hear about Mr. Osborne’s economic plans, he is Shadow Chancellor, not morality Tzar (the day will come, I fear). You will recall that a few months ago he attacked Brown’s tax-and-waste-and-hoard policy and stated his fear that the current economic incline was untenable past the end of the decade.
In his speech Osborne reminisced about previous Tory triumphs in the economic sphere and hinted that he was just the man to continue this good work. Before going on to lambaste Labour’s weakness in allowing the EU to enact legislation limiting Albion’s freedom, and pointing out the stunting effect this has had on free trade in general.

Osborne does have a flavour of Cameron about him, they are young modernises with vision, but precious little in terms of map-and-compass navigation ability.

Incidentaly, I stand by what I said earlier, Sir Malcom Rifkind would make a good Chancellor.

New

2005-10-04T16:08:00.000Z

Incidentaly, if anyone would like to know what I was doing in the dying days of September, they might look at the beta version of the new Albion's Alchemist with knobs on.

Suggestions welcome.

Cameron

2005-10-04T14:18:00.000Z

Those of’ee with long memories, or the ability to use a scroll bar will recall me talking about the Tory leadership a while back (Alchemy Passim) My purpose was to declare my support for Dr. Fox (wormy and racist according to you lot, alas). No doubt you will have taken careful note of news from the Tory conference. I know I have (that’s not sarcasm).

I said that the we need a leader with charisma, and I said that only Foxy seemed to have it. Now that young whipper-snapper David Cameron has stepped up to the crease is that still the case?

Well the boy certainly does have a way with words, no-doubt about it. They call him the conservative Tony Blair (I think they even mean it as a compliment!). It appears the Alchemist will have to eat his words. When I said ‘we need a leader with charisma’, I ought to have said ‘we need a leader with charisma who also stands for genuine conservative values’.

Y’see Cameron is rather well summed up by a comparison the Blair. They are both charismatic, young and they both hold the sort of views which appeal to North-London yahoos and Guardian readers. Were Cameron to win the leadership, I suspect he could win the next electio0n, but that would hardly be a victory for conservatives since he would carry out the same policies as Blair does now.

Understand, I am not against ‘modernizing’ per-see, but if the prise of victory is becoming ‘New Tory’ and being indistinguishable from New-Labour then it is too high a price to pay.

I suppose when it comes down to it, I will probably throw my insubstantial weight behind David Davis. It’s not that I have changed my mind about Foxy, merely that Divis is the lesser of those evils which have a chance of victory.

Alas…

Back

2005-10-04T13:35:00.000Z

Hell and damnation!

September was the Devil's wn month for the Alchemist and no mistake. To those of you who have wasted your time checking for Alchemy updates over the last few weeks I am sorry. You will recal that I had to go away at the end of August, but upon my return I found no end of time consuming trivia to which I had to attend.

Now the fact of the matter is, this bloggin thing is a hobby to me(as indeed it is to most people who blogg) and as a hobby it is the first thing to suffer when time is at a premium. That's life.

Nevertheless I beleive I can now bring my typical half-arsed yet insightful wit and wordsmithing to the 'net an a regular basis once again. Hoorah.

To those of you who have checked for updates from time to time, not only appologies, but Alchemy points also.

Let's get this show on the road...

Iran

2005-08-27T19:31:00.000Z

Now I don’t want to cause alarm, but there are certain aspects of the Iranian nuclear programme which really could bare closer inspection.

I suspect you are alarmed now, most likely you are thinking ‘oh god he’s going to talk about Iranian nuclear ambitions and I know slightly less than zilch on the subject.’ That’s ok, I know you have enough to do just keeping up with Big Brother, that’s exactly why I am going to talk about it. That, and it actually is important.

Ali Larijani is the man to watch, he is the right hand of Khamenei and he has been badgering Albion, Germany and France recently over our views on Iranian atomic development.

Specifically we (the UK, Germany and France, acting on behalf of the EU) have expressed concerns over plans to build one or more Westinghouse type breeders, and hexafluoride centrifuges to generate enriched uranium for ‘peaceful purposes’. Larijani insists that Iran has the right to do these things, and as far as right goes, he probably is. Our quibble is the eventual use to which enriched uranium might be put.

From an unbiased perspective one can see why Iran desires nuclear weapons. Believe me every time I watch the ten o’clock news I start desiring a bomb or two m’self, it is an unsafe world and deterrents are tempting, nay necessary.

Mahmoud Ahmadinezhad – Iranian president and world-beating scrabble score insists that the only goal is energy, but he would, and as I say, we can hardly blame Iran for wanting a nuclear deterrent. However, the operative word is ‘deterrent’.

Larijani has threatened to go over the EU’s head straight to the International Atomic Energy Association, but that ain’t going to happen because the US dominates the IAEA and there’s no way on god’s green that the States will let Iran have nukes (they no-longer arm their future enemies, lesson learned, eh brother Jonathan). Alternatively, Iran may enter negotiations with South Africa, but it is difficult to see why, when there is so little to gain, and so much to loose should they snub the EU.

Besides which Larijani actually used the phrase ‘Nuclear Apartheid’ in a speech and that’s not they way to win the South African’s friendship.

The earlier threatened economic sanctions seem unlikely at this stage of the game and it is difficult to discount the internet rumour to the effect that France and Germany (Albion too, if not our leaders) actually want Iran to have a deterrent with which to deter the big friendly dog across the pond.

You’ll call me a cynic, but such a policy would work, and better than ‘diplomacy’, no?

In any event, at least you know a little about Iran now, my work here is done…

Leadership

2005-08-25T17:20:00.000Z

Now I’ve not really talked about the Tory leadership contest on my own site before, but I’ve stuck my oar in when others have brought the subject up, today I thought it about time to rectify this. Not least because the alternative is complaining about the growing ease of obtaining a GCSE, you don’t want to read about that and I don’t want to write about it.

The new Leader, will be chosen in October, god willing, and even if you are not that interested in the contest, even if you are not a Tory at all (Those of you who are not, I congratulate you on being here, I know it can be difficult to read a blog written by a man who does not share one’s own ideology) you ought to learn a little. Y’see, the choosing next leader of the Conservatives is of critical importance to Albion, nay, to Europe and the world.

If the next Leader is a good man, a popular and wise statesman then people will vote for him. He will be elected, the Tories will have power, the EU will find opposition where now they find welcome, the state shall be just a little les of a nanny, and all will be right with the world. If the next Leader is a poor candidate, then Brown will be elected, the planets shall align and Satan will begin his thousand-year rule of the Earth.

Hyperbole aside, it seems obvious that Labour are the default victors of the next election, unless the Conservatives can furnish us a truly worthy candidate, hence, we must watch the contest carefully, since it is this very contest which shall ultimately decide our next Prime Minister.

Obviously, the name on everyone’s lips is David Davis, currently Shadow Home Secretary. That’s not snow on the roof, that’s cotton wool leaking from his head – in your Author’s opinion. Make no mistake, the man has ambition, and he’s a fine tactical sense, but he is not fit to govern. Not that I’d say it to his face you understand, If Davis hits a man, he don’t get back up again.

If not a Davis backer, most people will generally claim allegiance to Liam Fox, Shadow Foreign Secretary, your humble obedient among them. Our Doctor Fox has something the Tories have lacked since the good old days of the Iron Lady, charisma. It is a sad fact that elections are won by men (/women) not parties, and Fox is the man to do it. He might be a Scot, but he is a proper right-wing euroskeptic and not one to be bound by political correctness neither - you might remember many years ago there was a group of pop-tarts calling themselves the ‘Spice Girls’, or to use Fox’s nomenclature ‘three dogs and a blackbird’. Naturally this made a lot of people angry, but it made the silent majority laugh (quietly)

The third big hitter in the race is Sir Malcom Rifkind, Shadow Work & Pensions Secretary. He’s a good politician, but just a little wet for the leadership I deem. He’d probably do rather well as a chancellor though, just a hunch, you heard it here first.

Should Dr. Fox find himself the Leader this October, I can well envision him defeating Labour. He has shown a strong anti-Europe streak which will keep people from wasting their votes on UKIP (I’d vote for them if it were not a waste) Veritas and sundry other euroskeptic parties, and as a Scot he will appeal to the haggis fanciers who essentially decided the last election (nope, I haven’t forgiven yee yet jimmy). Shoulod Davis win, I fear we will be doomed to Prime Minister (President) Brown – and eventual membership of (occupation by) the United States of Europe.

This leadership competition really is that critical.

Witanagemot

2005-08-24T18:31:00.000Z

I’ll let’ee in on a little something, come closer, that’s it.

I don’t normally bother with unsolicited email invitations. Well, neither do you, I can tell that just by your presence on the net. However, We all of us must make exceptions to certain of our policies from time to time. A gentleman calling himself ‘Toque’ emailed my during my recent hiatus, but naturally I was not able to read his message until today. It seems there is a new group recently incepted Glorying in the name of the Witanagemot.

If you are anything like the Alchemist you are probably thinking ‘wow, the forerunner of the Privy Council is reforming, only now they will all be wearing chef’s hats instead of mitres and helms’. Or something along those lines certainly. In fact Toque goes under the more explanatory name of ‘Little Man in a ~’ and this Witanagemot is not a group of busybodies who advice the monarch, but a group of busy bodies who bitch because our country enjoys not parity with our neighbouring countries. Count me in!

The objective of the Witanagemot is to highlight the deplorable state England finds herself in, which I know to be a matter as close to your heart as it is to mine.
You probably remember my complaining that England is the only nation in the EU without her own parliament (Alchemy Ante-Intermissio) for instance.

Incidentaly, if you are very like the Alchemist then something about the word ‘Witanagemot’ will have been bothering you since you began this post. I could not quite put my finger on it either, but it seemed wrong. As I so often am forced to do these days I turned to my trusty Dictionary of Old English and Anglo-Saxon – it is a regrettable, but I am afraid disuse dulls the old linguistic blade and one must turn to the books. Lo, we find that the original Old English would have us spell an advisor as ‘wita’, but the plural is ‘witena’, not ‘witana’. Alas, it seems that even our language suffers corruption just as England herself. It is to be hoped the new Witanagemot (for so we shall spell it) might help, in some small way to slow the decline of our land.

Those of you with a craving for more of the gemot will find the blogroll ensconced in one of the Alchemist usefull scrolling boxes in m’sidebar.

Those of you who'd like to see further scholarly discusion of Old English are like to be disapointed, the Alchemist knows a limmited-appeal topic when he sees one.

Iraq II

2005-08-23T19:57:00.000Z

Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari has said he is confident that the country's politicians will reach an agreement on a new constitution.

-BBC website

Yup, the Alchemist is confident too. Specifically I am confident every man jack of ‘em will agree it is worthless. You will recall my making one post intermissio reference to the Iraqi Constitution last month (Alchemy Passim). I predicted that the three main groups would all bitch about it and I have been proved right, haven’t I just?

The damned document hasn’t even been finalised and the Iraqi powers that be are already falling into the patterns of dispute which I assigned to them. Hell but I wish I could be wrong from time to time.

Humam Hammoudi, the johny in charge of drafting the constitution has said the three-day extension just granted will not be enough. If he gets his extra time, and let’s face it, there is not a real alternative, then the arguments will, I suppose, expand to fill the time allowed, this being the nature of politics, especially Arab politics. I said that a September referendum was unlikely, and it grows more unlikely still as the date approaches.

The Sunnis are digging their heels in because the constitution threatens their already precarious position in the incestuous and rickety oil-ministry. Since the allied Shi’ahs/Kurds outnumber the Sunnis the Constitution could be forced through against Sunni wishes, however if this were to occur one can envision the Sunnis picking up their ball and going home, which in political terms spells instability on an Arabic scale.

If’ee were to ask the Alchemist (why thank you) I’d have to side with the Sunnis. Not that I care for their precious oil, but simply because I cannot see a federal Iraq as a good thing. God knows there is enough potential violence in that land to be getting on with – the idea of splitting it into separate battlin’ cantons seems lunacy. A ready made civil war waiting to happen, and I’ll give you three guesses as to who will have to clear up that mess, but the second two don’t count.

Incidentaly although it will fall to us to sort out this putative civil war, it will be the Sunnis who come of worse. Y’see the Kurds want to keep their little patch of the country to the north, and the Shi’ahs want to set up their own canton in the south part of the country so the Sunnis will end up between them, and although the Kurds and Shi’ahs are friends now (sort of) there’s certainly no love lost and it hasn’t been so many years since they were shooting the hell out of each other now has it?

Naturally al-Jaafari is in favour of federalism since the only thing that appeals to a Shi’ah more than carving out their own patch of Iraq is getting one over on the godamn heretic Sunnis.

Back

2005-08-23T18:41:00.000Z

I suppose'ee must have notriced the lack of updates in recent days (that is to say twenty days). For various and depressing reasons this has been unavoidable, but hopefully I'm back and firing on all cylinders now. My appologies for the interuption.

Grockle

2005-08-03T18:30:00.000Z

Tourism is not something I give detailed thought to very often – compared to almost any other subject it is quite dull and that is usually enough to put me off thinking about it. Nevertheless if one discounts a few industrial outfits, principally BA Defence Systems, GKN Westland and Britten-Norman, the economy of my county is almost entirely dependant upon tourism, which is a thought that never fails to trouble me.

For those of you who missed those occasions I have talked about m’home, I live (for my sins) on the Garden Isle and therefore, I probably should think about tourism more often.
I bring this up because yesterday I took an amble along some cliffs near my home. I like to walk this rout at times, and it was a nice day. However, the first part of my rout follows the front for around a mile and I confess, I was stunned by the number of people on the beach.

It is incredible to reflect upon this. For at least a mile before me, and a similar distance behind the beach swarmed with people, all of whom seemed to be having the time of their lives, as though burning on a beach or freezing in the sea is a capital day out. The beach was so full there was only room for one giant knob traced in the sand, that’s how crowded it was.

Amazing, however what truly made me abandon my usual practise of not considering tourism was the number of foreign languages which one could hear, if one paid attention. Many people, and many sundry languages all along the front. Let us stop to consider this, unless a man actually comes from Norway then the beaches and the sea (or lakes if his nation is land-locked) of his homeland are sunnier, and warmer and have fewer knob-tracings, than those of Albion, yet her were men and women of a dozen or more nations, some of them most exotic and warm if you will forgive me for making a judgement based upon the colour of a person’s skin. I dread to think how far some of these people must have travelled just to sit upon a British beach whilst their infants paddled in cold water tainted by the traffic of the world’s busiest shipping rout.

But this is only part of the insights my little walk afforded me. Leaving the front I ascended the path to the cliff-tops. Here was a sight to warm the heart – a dozen large whit tents, a flag and a banner had been erected, declaring this to be the site of a Boy’s Brigade annual camp. I did not know there were still enough boys in the Boy’s Brigade to fill a camp site, but here there were many, playing cricket if you please, and a good day it was too.

Had the Alchemist not spend his childhood in Saudi Arabia he most certainly would have been a member of such an organization, (The Sea Scouts is the one I fancied, alas) but I had imagined no-one wanted to be a member of anything so naff when a child might spend his days mugging old ladies and kicking over ‘phone boxes.

But I digress, because I am supposed to be talking about tourism, and posing an important question – to whit: Why, if the beaches are so crowded, do so few people appreciate the five odd miles of unspoilt, majestically viewed and almost completely unused cliff-top path upon which I like to walk?

In between the scout camp and the pub at the headland I spotted exactly four people (and two dogs). This at the height of summer, on a glorious day walking an relatively un-taxing path with one of the more comely views this world has yet shown me.

This, as much as the crowd of all nations upon the beach baffles me.

Fahd

2005-08-01T13:39:00.000Z

When the Alchemist were a lad he spent his time in Saudi Arabia, oh yes (not in Yorkshire, despite the first five words of the sentence). Therefore I’ve to say something about his ex majesty Fahd bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud. It’s not that I will necessarily have any great insights into the man, but that there aren’t many of us who know a thing about him – so sit back while I educate you.

In fact he was not a very popular man, even though, in your authors opinion, he deserved to be.

It is an unfortunate fact of our world that a god deed is forgotten rather more swiftly than an ill one. A case in point, he had built, or donated to the building of dozens of mosques both in Saudi Arabia and around the world, from the perspective of the Muslim in the street a fine thing indeed, but when he hosted, and backed American forces during the first Gulf War he committed a sin not easily forgiven by his people or his co-religionists.

He also aided, started and or financed secular projects, a football tournament (named after himself), an airport (named after himself), a 25 mile bridge to Bahrain (named after himself) and at least one desalination plant (named after himslef0 which kept the Alchemist hydrated during his formative years. But these secular projects, the which might have helped his reputation with non-Muslims were overshadowed by his policy of religious government and law.

You begin to see what I mean when I say he was painted blacker than he was. Muslims disliked his foreign policy, and thought him too close to the west, non-Muslims disliked his domestic policy and thought him to Muslim.

‘This,’ you are no-doubt saying, ‘Is the price of leadership.’ Well, you are right to say that, and if you find it hard to feel sorry for a man richer than Riley then you are of a feeling with the Alchemist.

Certainly when the Alchemist read that one of his wives was divorcing him and demanding £X billion (sorry, I cannot remember, but it was double figures), my immediate thought was not ‘oh, poor fellow’. Actually, I thought it was funny as hell, but that’s just me.

In actual fact Fahd has not been a well man for many years. In reality he has not even been the ruler of his people, the Regent in all but name was Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud, now King and head of the House of Saud.

King Abdullah, like his predecessor is a man of bifurcated interest. Also a philanthropist, he is most noted for funding institutes of learning, especially religious schools, but is also known to be less enamoured of the west than Fahd was, though wily enough to be politic when the situation demands.

Fahd bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud

1923 - 2005

Logic

2005-07-31T16:10:00.000Z

The Alchemist is a man of science, it is his ineluctable nature. There are things the which I simply cannot take on faith.

From the perspective of my Immortal Soul, this would be a bad show, if I had one.

From time to time I, like your good self, I should not wander, am visited by a brace of Jehovah's Witnesses with the rather curious belief that I might make a lifelong (or, from their perspective, eternal) commitment to their deity if they provide me with sufficient free magazines. Actually, if truth be told I would probably worship anything you care to name if I got a subscription to the Fortean Times out of it, but as you will appreciate, the Watchtower is not quite in the same league.

Typically, once we have exhausted the evangelists first plan of attack (You should worship my god because my holy book tells you to) and the second (you should obey my holy book because my god tells you to) we get down to my own opening gambit…

It runs something like this:

Alchemist: “This deity of yours, he’s omniscient, right?”

Evangelist: “Oh yes.”

Alchemist: “And he made me, and indeed everyone else?”

Evangelist: “Yes”

A: “And all he demands from me is faith and genuine repentance of my sins, if any?”

E: “That’s all, and you can enter paradise.”

At this point the Evangelist (there are always two of them, but only one will speak) will be just a little fervent, sitting on the edge of the sofa – converting me will earn her a dozen god-points and the admiration of her fellows.

A: “You’ll excuse me if I am being thick, but, your omniscient god, who made me knows me to be a man of science, a man unable to have faith. He knows I can never achieve paradise under his rules.”

E: “Erm…”

A: “He knows that an iota of proof would have me on my knees in a moment, but that no amount of preaching can sway me. Your loving god made me, and he made me incapable of faith and thus damned from the moment I was born.”

D’yee see where I am going with this? At this point the silent evangelist will look from me to her speaking companion, clearly as interested as I am to see how she gets out of this one. Typically the speaking evangelist will tell me that I am wrong, that I can have faith, that I can be swayed by preaching, and she will hint that she is just the woman for the job.

Nether your humble obedient, nor the silent evangelist are entirely happy with this answer, I doubt the speaking evangelist is either because presently she will depart, her mind too occupied by evil atheist logic to remember she had a scarf when she arrived.

The next time she shows up I return the scarf and challenge her with the same paradox, and receive the same unsatisfactory answer.

Lately she has been coming less often, and not coming in but staying in the porch.

Next time she comes I will be nicer to her, I will tell her that she cannot win them all (in fact she cannot win any of them, she once told me she has never won a convert, sometimes I wander if anyone ever has) and that, if it makes her feel any better she will do no worse than me in the afterlife, since there ain’t one.

IRA

2005-07-29T13:41:00.000Z

The IRA, and it’s various scions is one of the Alchemist’s least favourite religious terrorist organizations – you will appreciate that this is a hotly contested list.

I am of course rather too young to comment on their worst acts, these happening in the 70’s and early 80’s for the most part. Since then they have maintained a violent and murderous operation, but of steadily decreasing intensity.

In response to the group’s recent ‘promise’ to lay down their arms and pursue political means the British Army have begun to shut down certain installations in Armagh – this has been roundly criticised, and it is easy to see why. This is not the first time the IRA has promised to stop blowing people up, and it wont be the last time either – and with this borne in mind, weakening the Army in Northern Ireland does seem a trifle unwise. So why is it happening?

Simply put it is diplomacy. Diplomacy was once defined as the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until such time as one can find a big enough stick. This is precisely what both sides are doing.

Both sides know that the cease-fire will not last, but both sides are willing to say ‘nice doggy’ to the other until a stick comes to hand. Unfortunately there is not a big enough stick to crush either the IRA or the British Army, so what will become of the cease-fire?

Well, it seems obvious that any reduction in overt Army presence will be countered by an increase in the covert – similarly we can expect to see more and more violent ‘IRA splinter groups’ which are in fact not splinter groups at all, but mainstream IRA doing business as usual under a new name.

Britain and Ireland will probably be forced to wheel out a couple more sacrificial lambs for the power sharing altar and Gerry Adams will continue to demand the moon on a stick because god knows there’s no reason for him to change, he’s an IRA meal ticket for life.

The big question is why does anyone bother? No one seriously believes this cease fire will last longer than the last one. Everyone knows that Sinn Féin is the IRA by another name and we are all aware that this whole situation is essentially and argument about who has the best way to worship the same deity.

There is, as we have discussed, no stick big enough, and the doggy is not nice, if we accepted those two facts then the situation would become rather simpler.

Iraq I

2005-07-27T21:25:00.000Z

When Operation Lightning was unveiled the official line was that it would be the coalition’s final major operation in Iraq. The Alchemist said that he would believe that when he saw it, and of course, he has not seen it yet. Nevertheless General George Casey (Alchemy ante-intermissio) has stated his belief that, should certain conditions be met, American troop numbers will start to fall in the early part of next year. (He means that the numbers will fall because they are coming home, rather than the more traditional method of reducing troop numbers, to whit, death).

His preconditions are that the Iraqi Government (the which I like to call ‘Denethor’) and security forces (‘Canute’) prove themselves to be competent. I’ll believe that when I etc…

Old hands will recall my having discussed the Iraqi Government on more than one occasion, beginning during their elections. I for one look forward to the next elections coming in five months time. These are intended to follow the delivery of a draft constitution next month, though the chances of this draft being on-time are somewhere between ‘slim’ and ‘comical’ at the moment.

Current Iraqi bossman Al-Jaafari has of course never made a secret of his desire to be rid of the foreign troops who installed him, though no two commentators will agree why – certainly his job will become significantly harder once he is on his own, fortunately that will not be within a decade though. Al-Jaafari has said he does not want to be surprised, and I think there is slim chance of that.

Once the Constitution is drafted, and has been comprehensively argued about by every man and woman who has seen it, it will be put to a plebiscite. This is slated for September, and I suppose it might actually occur then, but don’t bet the family silver.

You will recall that the Sunnis pulled out of the drafting process for a time, and even now their delegation is under strength. Because of this the document, when it is finally produced will be most contentious. The powerful Sunni community will claim it is unfair to them because the were not as well represented during the drafting as the other factions. The Kurds will oppose the Sunnis for the sheer devilment of it, and the Shi’ahs will oppose the Kurds because they are ideal positioned to stick the knife in the Kurd’s back, also there is that whole oil-ministry thing which never sat right between the Shi’ahs and the Kurds.

If you will forgive me for dragging your mind back so far, I once said that I found the idea of a group of Arabs sitting in a room arguing about how to run a country whilst foreign troops march the streets funny, and a while later I said that I no longer found it funny because the novelty had worn off. Today I cannot decide whether a group of Arabs trying to write a constitution whilst foreign troops march the streets is funny or not. On the face of it, it seems ridiculous enough, but when we bare in mind that each of the three main factions writing the document want nothing so much as to grind the others into dust, and that any place not marched by foreign troops suffers attacks on a scale not seen since the summer ’03 (during the actual war) I for one suddenly feel less inclined to humour.

Education

2005-07-26T16:20:00.000Z

If one were to take a turn through near any council estate (for we all must at some point) one will, as has been noted before my many and eloquent people, see a satellite dish sprouting from every wall like the fungal growths of some virulent dieses of lower-class housing. There will also be BMW’s and widescreen televisions in evidence. This rather elitist introduction is intended to point out the sort of disposal to which certain peoples’ disposable income is subject to.

You may, depending on how closely you follow such things, have learned of Education Secretary Ruth Kelly’s plans for bolstering the education of poor people’s children. It all started on Radio Four. I won’t try t give the impression that I listen to Radio Four often, I just tune in to Women’s Hour once in a while – but the BBC kindly allow me to listen to recordings of their programmes over the net, which is rather more convenient.

It seems that children from under-privileged (that’s ‘poor’ to’ee) do not do so well in lessons as those from better off (privileged and over-privileged one assumes) families.

I know, I was as shocked as you are.

The introduction to today’s post talked of the apparent affluence of the council estate set because it illustrates the Alchemist’s ‘Theory of Insufficient Incentive’. Essentially the hypothetical poor child sees his family’s widescreen TV with Sky+, and their BMW – he sees his mother has no trouble keeping herself in Malibu and white lighting, he sees his fathers have no trouble paying for their two pouches of Golden Virginia every day, and he finds himself reasoning, not surprisingly, that education is not that vital to a good life.

Given the choice between attending school assiduously with a view to becoming an educated and productive member of Albion’s working corps and skiving off so he can kick over telephone boxes and steal hoodies, it is not surprising he chooses the latter, for he can see no downside. Once he is finally expelled at 16 he will sign on, and get a cash in hand job with a cowboy builder firm and set about raising (or fathering at any rate) the next generation of feral thugs.

The beneficent Kelly believes she can combat this by issuing free books to pre-school children (perfect for kindling the next time said children engage in a little arson), and by offering catch-up lessons to older children. Since truancy is at a record high, and is indeed rising still, one wanders how this last is meant to help. The children who need the catch-up lessons are the very ones who do not bother to attend the mainstream lessons, no?

You may be wandering if the Alchemist has a master plan – having slated phonics, catch-up lessons and teaching assistants at various times, you ask whether I have any better ideas?

As it happens I don’t. I really cannot see that our education system can be fixed in the short to medium term – for it has been crumbling so for long, stone by stone. You may say that we need to return to old school (if you follow) values, but that of course will never, can never happen – but similarly we cannot go on as we are. We have a school system which only plays at educating the poor, and often the rich too – and a university system now virtually inaccessible to a third of the population thanks to a loans system both draconian and Byzantine simultaneously, and in between we have some f the most underpaid and overworked teachers in the civilised world.

I wish I knew how to solve the problem, but more so I wish the Educations Secretary knew…

Shoot

2005-07-25T19:38:00.000Z

I don’t know how many of’ee remember an old Clash song called ‘Know Your Rights’, it began with the words ‘This is a public service announcement… with guitars!’ which is one of the better lyrics your author has come across. My point in remembering this song to you is in another lyric, to whit ‘Murder is a crime – unless it is done by a policeman’.

This is a fallacy. You might say that it is merely a song, and an old one at that and I ought not invest so much emotion in it, but it is merely a symptom of a wider feeling.

You will of course not have failed to hear of the regrettable death of Jean Charles de Menezes – shot by police recently.

There is a feeling amongst some that armed police are rather trigger happy, and that if they do shoot a man and later discover he was not so great a threat, that the officers in question have a finger waved at them, and are then let free. This is a fallacy.

Every time, every single time a police officer shoots a human in the course of his duty, the officer is tried for murder. Oh yes. During the trial it has to be conclusively proved that the defendant believed that his life or the life of another was in danger of being extinguished, and imminently so.

Not once has a police officer been convicted by a jury of his peers, every time, every officer has been vindicated. This is a phenomenal record if one stops to think about it. It s because of this practice of trials that our armed police show such restraint. Without wishing to cast aspersions on the officers or other lands we must acknowledge the remarkable number of armed police operations which end without a shot being fired. This is certainly a counterpoint to some forces who seem rather more willing to pull the trigger. I imagine you did not know, for instance, that no British police sniper has ever fired a shot in anger, not once.

I shall go on, I suppose you recall my post a while ago detailing the deplorable state of the firearms used by the Portuguese police. In Albion our armed police are issued with new and up-to-date weapons, but, they are actually modified to make them less effective, yes.

When you have seen armed police on the telly, or at airports you will have noticed their ‘machine guns’ (really sub-machine guns). These are H&K MP5 nine-mill submachine guns. When Heckler & Koch sell these weapons they are capable of automatic fire at 800 rounds/min, but the examples carried by our police have actually been modified to fire single shot only!

The point of this post is the somewhat elementary insight that although mistakes will happen, they are rare, they are dealt with most potently, and they are rather less severe than they might be, than they would be in other lands. It need hardly be pointed out that Albion is almost the only nation in the world whose police still, by and large, do not carry firearms.

If you have not done so before, then I think you ought pause a moment and give thanks that there are people willing to risk their lives for yours, and the next time you read about an innocent man being shot, I would like you to thank your deity, if you have one, that it was not you who had 1/8^th of a second to decide whether to pull the trigger.

I still like The Clash by the way, but I am not going to base my politics on their lyrics.

Elections

2005-07-24T14:13:00.000Z

I’d like to say tank’ee kindly to those people who welcomed me back, it’s nice to be appreciated in any small way.

As a warming up exercise I thought we’d see what has been happening during my absence vis a vis those subjects on which I was reporting.

You will recall for instance that almost the last matter discussed was the German Elections. Fräulein Merci H kindly wrote a piece giving us the skinny on one Angela Merkel. If memory serves you lot were a bit reticent with the comments considering she went out of her way to educate us, but no matter.

At the time Fräulein H told us the procedure for a general election, to whit the President must dissolve the Bundestag following a vote. This has now happened, and the election will occur on the 18^th of September. Chancellor Schroeder’s liberal government has been listing for some time and it was, as we were told, only a matter of time before the Bundestag was dissolved. The alternative for Schroeder would have been resignation, under a cloud of accusations concerning certain rather iffy shenanigans (I hasten to add, nothing is proven, but there’s no smoke etc according to Fräulein H).

You will also recall how happy Fräulein H, and The Alchemist were with the idea of Chancellor Merkel. She is, so far Is I have been told, a capital woman and just the sort to dispel Schroeder’s effect on Germany, which let us not forget, has been to navigate Germany into the sort of economic woes which would have crippled most any other nation in Europe.

Incredibly, Schroeder’s Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands (sometimes one has no choice but to copy and past from Fräulein H’s emails, I am not typing that) seems to be gaining support from the undecideds now that the election date is certain.

Merkel’s group, an alliance of the Christlich-Demokratische Union and Chrislich-Soziale Union (she does this on purpose you know) is still leading by a significant margin, still the bookie’s favorite, but are gradually hemorrhaging support, especially in the east, though not, Fräulein H is proud to say, in her own state of Niedersachsen, which is rather a heartland of the CDU.

We shall be watching this situation closely

Return

2005-07-23T14:53:00.000Z

The Alchemist is pleased to announce his return the web. Readers may have noticed his absence of late - there is a reason for this, I shall stop short of calling it a good reason, because if it were I would still be absent.

It seems that an anonymous party took exception to something I wrote previously. Took exception strongly enough to discover my real name (worryingly easy to do as I discovered myself) and threaten my life and well-being.

At the time I was of the opinion that one death threat was too many and closed the site forthwith, though in fact the gentleman in question did not demand I do so, he did not in fact demand I do anything.

Having had the past few weeks to think about this, I have decided to begin again. I stand by every word I wrote. I lived in Saudi Arabia for many years and feel as qualified as any to talk about the country. More importantly, I feel it is important not to allow ourselves to be threatened. I won’t say any specific recent events were the cause of my change of heart, but I will not deny it either.

Services will resume presently.

The Alchemist